Thud

Thud, dazzle, thud, dazzle thud, dazzle and so on. I cannot say I am happy. I merely have a place and everything should be in it's place. Dirt is just matter in the wrong place. I am not dirt so must never leave my place.

It's all on the NHS, I know what you've read but I've never had to shit the bed. As long as you don't get the runs the work to rule can't touch you. Speaking of shit we have a new wheeze. Vi brings in razors and we secrete them on our persons.

In this place a young nurse is sent to watch you shit and piss, we wait till she's distracted and embed razors in our shit just to see the look on her face when she examines our bedpans.

The one bit of advice I have for newbies is never leave a Barbie head in your bedpan. They will regard that as a cry for help. They respect razors because they are sane. I am mad but they inspect my shit for no good reason. I think the Americans would say -go figure.